Having an introverted disposition, I’ve never really been one for networking. Until earlier this year I couldn’t have even told you what networking on the internet looked like or why I needed to do it, but everyone said I needed to do it, so I gave it a try.
Now, in a very general sense, we all network. Unless you’re a recluse it’s unavoidable. “Networking” is just a way of describing our interconnectedness. I know someone who knows someone who knows you, you know someone who knows someone who knows Bill who knows Amy. That’s just how we naturally operate. We’re social beings. If that’s all networking was I could totally get behind it. I enjoy meeting and talking to new people. As you probably know, though, that’s not all networking tends to be.
On the internet (and I suppose in business in general) I found networking to be a very frustrating endeavor, especially for those who, like me, don’t offer much clout or aren’t easily swayed by the wills of mere acquaintances (no matter how much they pretend to be your best friend). If you want to be successful at networking online you have to play the game, one I found to be tedious and inauthentic.
The goal is essentially this: Find people who can do stuff for you and pretend to be their friend so that you can manipulate them into doing stuff for you. Sounds like a totally worthy goal, right?
I didn’t think so either.
I kept at it for a while anyway. Every time I’d raise an objection, I’d get an earful of justifications. “If every person you’re networking with,” they’d argue, “is also looking for you to do something for them then it’s mutual and totally okay.” Sure, I guess. When it comes down to it, though, those are exactly the people I don’t want to meet or communicate with in any way whatsoever.
“Well, if you want to have a blog that’s influential, those are exactly the people you have to communicate with.”
Fair enough. I halfheartedly pushed on (though I knew better). What frustrated me wasn’t meeting new people, but meeting people who, for the most part, only wanted me as another weapon in their arsenal, one they could call up instantly to reign down terror on their enemies and further expand the borders of their greedy empire.
When you don’t play by their rules, these people can get pretty pissed off. They tend to hold petty grudges. If you’ve ever missed the politics and drama of high school, try connecting with these kinds of people.
I don’t know, though. Maybe you already have connected with them. That kind of networking is the status quo and we’ve all been influenced to at least play around with it. Maybe you already know how it is.
I’m not buying it though.
The best people and the best bloggers I’ve ever met I met organically through shared interests. They are good people who don’t care if you can help them promote their latest ebook or vote for them in some contest. They’re passionate and authentic. They won’t sell you out for a buck or turn their back on you when you stop being useful.
Those are the only sort of people I want to connect with. No sense going out of my way to impress anyone else.
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Hey JD! Great post.
I’ve been very lucky in this online networking game. I can not say that I’ve connected with a ton of people, but I have connected with a few. Almost all of those acquaintances later became friends. I think it is because I am somewhat selective before I “connect”. Unfortunately I have been used a few times, but I brush those off ASAP.
It is impossible to try & develop meaningful relations with everyone you meet online. Therefore, I keep my Web connections the way that I keep my real-life connections — I focus on quality over quantity.
I am sure this has hindered the growth of my online success in some ways. The fewer people that I am connecting with, the fewer chances I have to get my name & my work out there. But, to me, the relationships are what matter. I would sacrifice the “quantity impact” for quality relationships any day of the week.
I see things the way you do. I’ve tried the numbers game, but it was shallow. I don’t want to know people who only connect with others for their own benefit. I don’t have anything nice to say about those kinds of people. As I mentioned, I’m naturally introverted. My tendency regarding relationships is to aim for a handful of quality, not an ocean of leeches.
Like your last post, this one is resonating a lot with me. I don’t want to talk buzz, but by sharing these words, you are actually “changing the rules”, creating something new, something that might lead to online success in a harder and slower, but also purer and more enjoyable way. I think this is just the beginning of the rabbit hole. Let’s see where it leads to!
I feel the same. I’d actually be happy with a more difficult path that requires patience. I’m not looking for profit or extreme success, just integrity and ‘enough’.
Networking is a strange social landscape.
Why do you feel as if these relationships necessarily entail manipulation? To me, manipulation must include some kind of fraud. Not all professional relationships need to be friendly. In many cases, it’s preferable that such relationships be largely professional and polite.
We can only hold so many significant relationships in our lives. At best, most can hope for maybe three or four emotionally significant relationships at once.
One thing I’ve noticed about the blogging world is that some people are primarily in it to feel as if they’re popular.
I would like to run a greedy empire, but the way to get there isn’t by making lots of false friends – it’s by satisfying customers and making deals.
I think it’s a mug’s game to seek out authentic relationships through professional networking. This may be my own scarred experience speaking, but it’s always a bad idea to mix business and pleasure. Personal relationships can be volatile. Blurring the lines between work and personal life is unhealthy.
If you need a friend, find someone that shares your interests – or buy a dog.
My theory on networking is that people aren’t doing it for the reasons that they say they’re doing it. They’re networking to avoid something, manage their anxiety, or fill some gaping hole in their life.
I primarily network to cure my perennial cluelessness. I step in, learn what I can, and then back out. If I have a goal, I connect to other people who can move me in that direction.
Thanks for the thoughtful and respectful disagreement. I’ll try to address the points you bring up.
First of all, I feel like these relationships are manipulative simply because they go against very basic principles I hold regarding trust and relationships. If I hadn’t experienced this sort of networking before, these self-promoters would have taken advantage of my trusting nature. In that sense it would have been manipulative for me, but I wouldn’t necessarily argue that it’s manipulative for you or other people who practice networking. It might not be manipulative for anyone who knows about and embraces the actual nature of professional networking.
It comes down to my disagreement with two people interacting with each other on superficial levels for some kind of gain. I don’t think that it’s possible to avoid these kinds of interactions (I’ve never asked the pizza guy about his interests), but I’d like to avoid doing it in a strategic or self-promoting way.
Second, you bring up a good point when you suggest it’s a popularity contest. Thinking about it, I’d have to agree. I’ve seen quite a few name droppers who offer little in the way of meaningful conversation. Maybe this, having subconsciously realized it, is another reason I’m turned off by professional networking. I don’t want to brag about having talked to people I don’t know on any significant level.
Third, you’re absolutely right about seeking out authentic relationships through professional marketing. It would be stupid if your goals are connecting with people in a professional capacity. I think the professional networking is exactly what I want to avoid, though, so seeking out authentic relationships are all I’m interested in.
I’m actually unsure if I’m really in disagreement with you.
I’ve had experiences in which I’ve had important business relationships fall apart due to personal reasons. For example, because I dated (and broke up with) a former employer, I lost out on multiple references. That easily cost me a big chunk of money, personal security, and peace of mind.
At the time, I thought that making closer personal friendships would provide me with greater career security. It worked in the short-run (it’s fun to make chat about music, art, personal life etc. with co-workers), but when I became too close, it created more volatility and risk than I was equipped to handle.
That colors my perspective more significantly than it would be otherwise. For me, a personal relationship is a deeply valuable thing that I refuse to grant just anybody.
What I think you’re complaining about – and correct me if I’m wrong – is social metaphysics; or people that attempt to assert they have value by manipulating other people. Rather than create genuine value through their actions, they seek to enhance their social position by convincing others to spout positive opinions about them.
It’s like spamming your way to 100,000 followers on Twitter and then asserting that you’re a “social media guru” – which is both meaningless and disingenuous.
The trouble is, social metaphysics works, at least from a short-term financial perspective. Bernie Madoff was tremendously successful at separating people from their money – primarily because so many people shared a positive opinion about him.
“It might not be manipulative for anyone who knows about and embraces the actual nature of professional networking.”
The relationship has to be defined. If it’s… “you’re my buddy, right? Do you mind pushing my product? I’d really appreciate it. I’ll help you out later…” then it’s at least marginally disingenuous. They promised you something tangible in return for real labor in the present, and never delivered. That’s a form of fraud; a soft violence.
I’ve had this shit happen to me lately, and I understand how weirdly devastating it can be and how easy it is to take it personally.
However, I’m optimistic about how professional reputation networks are evolving to curb this kind of behavior. Stuff like StackOverflow, Quora, and even FormSpring are popping up to encourage more professional accountability.
Hi JD, I’m normally a quiet follower of your blog, but I have to say this post resonated with me. Several years ago I dropped out of the purposeful networking game and now that all my contacts are organic, life is certainly much more stress-free, at least in the networking area. I hope it works out as well for you too.
p.s. I want nothing from you other than to continue reading your blog. :>
networking is great… for building a rolodex full of single-serving friends.
to get a better grasp on what “friend” means in today’s “connected” culture, here’s a question recently posed on twitter…
Am I the only one fascinated by how the word “friend” has morphed into an amorphous, ambiguous + nearly empty word thanks to social media?
I guess that’s what bothers me about “networking” too. Its always seemed so fake to me and being a fellow introvert, I don’t do well with acquaintance relationships. I need something more. Networking to me usually seems like a way for people to feed their own egos.
JD – Glad to meet a fellow introvert! I too am a bit turned off by networking as you describe it above. A few months back I remember chatting with a blogger on the lifestyle design circuit (not giving much away since it seems there’s an infinite supply of these lately) about some random stuff. I thought I was having a nice conversation and we were talking about some technical stuff and then some business stuff. At the end of the conversation this blogger said ‘hey, since I helped you out would you mind writing a recommendation for me?’
You know..kind of one of those shout outs they can throw on their blog. I happily obliged. Seriously…I was it’s b/c I love to help people out, but there was still a part of me that was thinking ‘does this person really like me? Were they just talking to me so they could get something from me after giving me some info?’ I don’t know, it kind of left a bad taste in my mouth.
I think the key is to develop authentic relationships…and honestly, I think that takes time. I’d rather have a small group of close friends that I trust, admire and respect rather than a zillion ‘friends’ that are used as a means to an ends. Now, before I end, I don’t want to say people cannot have a lot of friends AND have a lot of meaningful relationships with them. That’s just not how I operate, so I can definitely relate to what you’re saying in this post.
Dude, have you ever been to a BNI group or something similar? It’s scary what some people think “networking” means…